"We're all human aren't we?" or, "How one little fart scared off the girl of my dreams."

Wait, it's not what you think...ok, it's probably pretty close to what you might think, but not quite. There's a twist, see. A few years ago, on a day like any other, I had one of those slow-motion tv moments. In hindsight, it sounds unlikely to the point of being scripted.

Basically, I was sitting on the stairs outside of my apartment at school and one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen walked by me, accidentally kicking over my cup of coffee. Could this girl really be a clutz, just like me? She apologized, we struck up a conversation, and for once in my life, it flowed smoothly, completely natural. I wasn't intimidated by her beauty, I didn't stick my foot in my mouth, and I even produced a couple on-the-spot turns of phrase that made me seem witty and erudite. For some reason, I was on a roll.

Her name was Jenna, and we seemed to be mutually enamored with each other. For the life of me I can't remember the rant I was going off on, but I was really making her laugh. I still look back on the beginning of our meeting as one of the best moments of my life. I should have known it wouldn't last.

As my story built momentum, the laughs became heartier, more from the gut, and just as my rant reached its climax, it happened. She farted...loudly. So loud that it couldn't be ignored. We weren't sitting on a couch, so she couldn't use the "it's the cushion!" excuse. Weirdo that I am, I raised my hand for a high five. She was completely mortified. I guess she did the only thing she thought she could do, and immediately stood up and started sprinting down the street, getting as far away from me as possible, never looking back, out of my life forever.

I've thought about it a lot over the years, and I wonder if she has too. I actually get kind of angry when I think about what could have been, until I end up shaking my fist toward the heavens, ala Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. "Damn you flatulence! Damn you to hell!"

The moral of the story is, ladies, a fart is just one of God's ways of displaying his sense of humor. Don't let it ruin the start of something beautiful. See, you thought it was going to be ME who farted, didn't ya? Sicko's...